Tales of I'm Sorry and It's Fine
by a singular dream
Summary: [The World Is Watching TwoShot] When Haruhito is nowhere to be found for a week, Jinhai grows worried. When Adern comes to apparently get Jinhai, he grows even more worried. When Jinhai checks on Haruhito, he learns the New Asian's biggest secrets. [See first line for trigger warnings!]
1. Part 1 (Jinhai)

**TRIGGER WARNING: DRUG ABUSE, SELF-HARM, PARENTAL NEGLECT, SUICIDE, CUTTING**

 **Tales of "I'm sorry"** **and "I'm Fine"**

 **Prince Yao Jinhai of the Mongolian Empire**

Jinhai wasn't entirely sure what to say. He was worried. Very worried.

It was evening, they had just finished another dinner with everyone which was probably still much more comfortable for the royals among them than the commoners like Raph since all of them had, by now, adjusted to Illéan protocol and etiquette. He expected to have a quiet evening, since most of them were either tired or bored from Henri's history lesson today, but he didn't expect _this_.

Jinhai's first thought was "something very, very bad happened" when he saw the well-known ginger cat,, wait in front of his door. Adern did leave Haruhito, but only when they were in their lessons and Adern started to getbored by the humans talking.

"Meow!" The cat wanted something.

"Uh…" Jinhai knelt down. "What do you want?" he asked confused.

"Meow!" Adern meowed in the cat equivalent of screaming.

What Jinhai didn't know was that he was Adern's last assert. _Stupid human doesn't get the easiest commands,_ the cat thought. The Sister Human wasn't anywhere near, and His Human seemed to like this particular specimen most.

"Kitty, I don't speak meow…" Jinhai muttered, but looked around himself. What in the world did the cat want from him? Food? Who even fed Adern, when the cat literally sat next to Haruhito at breakfast? "Where's Haruhito? Maybe he knows what you want…"

Jinhai opened the door to his room again, and peaked outside. The New Asian prince was nowhere near, so he stepped back into the corridor and turned to one of the guards.

"Have you seen Prince Haruhito?" Jinhai asked.

"No, sir," the guard replied in professional manner. "And… uh, I'm not sure if I'm meant to tell you more details considering your countries… difficulties."

Jinhai suppressed a sigh. That made sense, but it didn't help him. "Well, his cat is in my room, and I think Adern wants something."

"Oh…" The guard paused. "I believe His Imperial Highness has not left his room, but I am not sure, sir."

Jinhai nodded and turned back to Adern. "Alright, kitty, we're going to get your human."

Adern was faster by his side than he expected, and they headed towards the opposite ends of the corridor, where the New Asian prince's room was. As Jinhai walked, he wondered why Haruhito hadn't been at dinner. He hadn't eaten lunch either, but that was maybe because he had something else to do—or so Jinhai had presumed. Maybe he had been with Jericho and Nikolai, or writing another one of these… peculiar stories.

At his destination, he was stopped by another guard. "Prince Haruhito has asked for no visitors, sir."

"I'm just here to give him his cat back," Jinhai replied calmly.

The guard glanced at Adern, who tried to push open the locked door, and nodded understanding. Pretty much everyone had come to understand that Haruhito loved his cat more than his life.

Jinhai would soon understand that that wasn't very difficult.

Even though the suitors' rooms looked pretty similar, Jinhai didn't recognise the common outline of the room at all—it was full of notes, notebooks, an old Pikachu plushie, clothes and two pillows.

Never ever, even when he had been travelling and been among commoners, he had seen such a chaotic room. The curtains were drawn too. When had this happened? Why wasn't the palace staff cleaning this up? Adern rushed past, but Jinhai didn't pay him attention—even when he started meowing. _Stupid human—you aren't here for some fake furs! You're here to help my Human!_

Jinhai picked up one of the shirts, a white T-shirt with the caption "Mother of Cats" and folded it. Terrible wrinkles, he noted, but wondered more about why Haruhito wasn't wearing t-shirts if he had some—it was summer, and the only thing he was wearing were his hoodies!

He picked up another shirt, and noticed something shiny beneath it. Haruhito's laptop, still turned on. Carefully and probably a bit too curious, he opened it. It was running out of energy, but the wallpaper (a collage of Master Adern, prominently featuring him with that book series Lihau was obsessed with). Wasn't Haruhito's laptop always running? He never saw him charging it…

In the background, Adern meowed, complaining.

Jinhai stopped folding clothes, and looked up. The cat was sitting in front of the door that probably lead to Haruhito's bedroom, if the layout of the room was the same as his own. But next to the door, he found something that drew his attention much more than the ginger cat.

Three containers, one of them spilled, with white pills. Worried, Jinhai stepped closer, but the writing on the bottles was in Japanese. He didn't understand a word, except for the numbers written on it. Doses, he presumed. Next to them were some cat treats, opened, alongside an empty packet. Jinhai touched his hair. Hopefully these meds weren't drugs… But Haruhito didn't seem to be the type to do drugs.

"What's this…?" he muttered.

"MEOW!" Adern attacked his leg, causing Jinhai to step back. "Meow! Meow!"

Jinhai remembered researching the major players in the Selection, including the New Asian prince. Too bad that New Asia was very quiet about the private life of their royalty. He had barely found anything, except a vague remark that he had been home-schooled during high school, unlike his siblings.

"Please tell me that this isn't related…" he muttered, and took some of the cat treats, handling them to Adern. He doubted that the cat wanted that but…

"Meow!" Adern ignored the treats—was that even normal? Was Adern broken?

The cat pointed towards the door, and Jinhai nodded. Evidently, something was inside that the cat wanted him to pay attention to. He knocked, but didn't expect a response.

He got one.

"No." Haruhito's voice was unusually harsh. "Leave, now."

"Uh, I think your cat wants something?" Jinhai, taken back by the abnormal harshness, pointed out.

"My country has nukes, and my dad has the codes. Don't dare me," Haruhito called back irritated.

"… What?" Since when did Haruhito care about war? "Haruhito, your cat is here, and—"

" _Just leave_!" Haruhito screamed.

Jinhai jerked back. When was the last time he had heard Haruhito screaming at anyone, but he couldn't remember.

"Uh, I'm just letting your cat in then…?" Jinhai touched his hair. He didn't want to leave Haruhito alone—he didn't seem alright enough to be left alone (he definitely didn't sound sick or anything…) but then again…

Had he any right to go and talk to him? They were princes of enemy nations!

Against what he wanted and cared for, Jinhai opened the door a bit, and Adern darted inside. What had the cat wanted from him? Why bring him if he probably could have made the guard open the door for him? What about the maids and the chaotic state of Haruhito's room? Jinhai closed the door, not hearing the cat's meowing that subsided the moment Haruhito groaned at the cat.

On the way outside, Jinhai couldn't help but clean up a bit more. Just folding the t-shirts and sweaters neatly, placing them onto the table. Whatever had happened, the maids working didn't need to have such a big problem.

He didn't notice the blood stain on the sweater Haruhito wore this morning.

/ / /

Next morning,, Jinhai gave himself the mission to figure out what in the world was going on, and what was up with the pills—although he wanted to make sure not to invade Haruhito's privacy.

Haruhito didn't appear for breakfast.

Haruhito didn't appear for Henri's lessons either.

Going by what the royal planner was able to tell them, he was feeling unwell and worried that others might catch what he had. He was staying away for their safety, and going by how calm Henri was about that, he seemed to believe it.

They continued with Illéan history, but Jinhai didn't focus. He trailed off, trying to puzzle together what exactly had happened. He couldn't put things together—maybe, hopefully, even—the pills were just vitamin supplements or something. They looked official enough, and the writing was chaotic enough to be a doctor's writing.

What worried him more was Adern definitely had wanted something from _him_ , but he had been to shocked by the room and the pills to think. Stupid. Stupid Jinhai. _Something_ was up. Jinhai gave himself the mission to check on Haruhito, if he didn't appear for lunch. Following the pattern, the New Asian prince did not.

When Jinhai went to check on him, the guard politely but firmly asked him to leave. This time, Jinhai had no Adern as excuse to get in, and had to give in. For all the guard knew, maybe _he_ had poisoned Haruhito.

Defeated, Haruhito headed back to the Men's Parlour. Should he ask the others whenever they knew something? Most of them seemed pretty cheerful and laid back (with an exception of Hans and Niko, maybe, but Niko was talking to Jericho again—the memory at what Haruhito had written made Jinhai blush), so they probably didn't know anything of value.

Haruhito stayed in his room for the rest of the week. On Saturday, Henri had pointed out that Haruhito had spoken to a doctor and both concluded that he probably just needed to rest. Something made Jinhai wonder if that was really the case—especially when said doctor turned out to be New Asian and barely even able to speak broken English.

"He might just be a doctor _from_ New Asia…" Jinhai thought when he watched the man leave the palace through the main entrance. The car he entered was a diplomat's car, with the New Asian flag on it. He definitely came from Haruhito's home country.

"But why would they need that?" he wondered. The only plausible reason he could come up with was that Haruhito just liked to have his own doctor—he hadn't been very keen on the hospital visit either—so maybe something related to that?

"Meow." Jinhai turned around to see an impatient, glaring and probably annoyed cat sitting at the top of the stairs. Adern really wanted something from him.

"Do you want me to go and see Haruhito?" Jinhai wondered, and touched his hair again. What a nasty habit, but he couldn't help but feel like he had terribly nervous butterflies in his stomach. Something was wrong, and he couldn't help but think that he wasn't really the one to solve the situation… Maybe he should tell someone? Henri? Eliza? _Anyone_?

"Meow!" Adern turned around and started walking. So, he definitely wanted him to come. This time, Jinhai didn't wait but followed the cat immediately, back to the prince's room. The guards glanced at him irritated, but Jinhai just politely gave them a smile and nodded to the cat.

"I'm returning the cat, again," he replied.

Once again, they allowed him in.

Haruhito's room hadn't changed a bit . The t-shirts he had folded were still on the couch table, the curtains were still drawn and by now, the laptop had run out of power. The whole room looked like no one had touched it. Where was Haruhito's valet, or anyone in charge of cleaning up? Had he dismissed them all because of that sickness?

Jinhai sniffed. The room smelled like no one had cleaned up anything. The cat treats were still on the ground too, making him cringe. He'd clean up after figuring out what Adern wanted. Haruhito couldn't be dead—he had seen a doctor maybe half an hour ago. He had to be alright—maybe the pills were for some form of chronic illness, like Jericho with his heart condition? Something that was just a really big misunderstanding, and Haruhito had just caught a bad cold?

None of these thoughts could calm Jinhai's rapid beating heart. Slowly, he stepped over the cat treats and pushed the door handle down.

Just like the sitting room, Haruhito's bedroom was completely dark. Adern's eyes reflected the light that came in from the sitting room, but there was just enough light inside to see the shape of a body on the bed.

Unmoving.

Alarmed, Jinhai stepped through the door and forward. Haruhito was breathing. Good. Laying on the bed, not moving, but breathing. Probably sleeping, just without a blanket. He looked to the cat sitting nearby his arm who now seemed to be more interested in Haruhito than the confused Jinhai.

Jinhai opened his mouth to speak up.

He didn't though.

At the sight Haruhito's arm, he froze. Some were redder, some whiter, but the whole of his lower arm was covered in smaller and bigger scars. That, and blood. And wounds. And a knife directly next to his hand.

"That's why you always wear sweaters," Jinhai muttered shocked.

As if on clue (probably because Jinhai only now spoke), Haruhito opened his eyes, moving from his cat (now visibly relieved—as far as cats could be) to the Mongolian prince.

"What the—" Haruhito broke off, and followed Jinhai's unmoved gaze. The instant he realised what he was looking at, he pulled his arm, including the bloody and fresh wound, and the rest of himself back.

"Oh, I'm… I'm sorry, I didn't want to—" Jinhai broke off.

Haruhito looked _horrified_. Evidently not at the sight of his messed up arm(s? Jinhai hadn't seen the other, and didn't dare to) but at his. He didn't move, or say something.

"Oh my gosh… Are you alright?" Jinhai's first thought wasn't clear at all.

" _Jinhai, leave_." The New Asian was strangely composed. It felt wrong.

"I can't—I can't leave you like this!" Jinhai panicked.

"There's a reason why I made the doctor come up with an excuse."

"But… I couldn't leave you… You need medical attention!"

Haruhito turned even whiter. He didn't respond, but the way he looked was exactly the same as at the pool party when he had a heart stroke.

Or was it even a heat stroke?

"… Haruhito?"

Wordlessly, his right arm moved towards the ginger cat who, in return, also moved to him. The arm wasn't as badly hurt, Jinhai realised. Haruhito, apparently, was right-handed. Trembling, Haruhito began to pet the ginger cat, looking down as if he was trying to avoid something.

"Are you alright?" Jinhai worried about thim. "Please—is there anything I can do?"

This time, Haruhito didn't tell him to leave. Rather than that, he seemed far too fixated on his breathing. It hadn't been a heat stroke or anything; it had been an anxiety attack, Jinhai realised. Nothing he knew about too much, but it made _some_ sense.

But what in the world should he do now, to help? Haruhito was having another one!

"Okay… Uh… Can I come closer?" He blushed. He was literally as close as he could be without getting onto the bed! "Wait, no… That's wrong…"

Haruhito would probably flip out if he told him to calm down. But what could he do? From the looks of it, Haruhito was trouble breathing… Which probably was part of the anxiety attack.

"Alright… Breathing trouble is probably part of the attack. It's not real, you know and… I mean, I don't know… You don't need to stay like this. It's…" Jinhai shook his head. He was getting off track.

Haruhito leaned back, pushing his head back as well. He caught his breath, but didn't move any further. Was he alright or still in a panic attack? Had it even started? Gosh, he had no idea… Adern slowly climbed up to Haruhito's thin torso—the t-shirt he was wearing had the caption "No Cats No Life" which made Jinhai uncomfortable.

" _Daijoubu da_ ," Haruhito muttered in Japanese.

"What?" Jinhai asked confused. "What did you say?"

"I'm fine," Haruhito translated.

"No, you're not."

"I've been worse," he corrected, and looked to the Mongolian prince with a strangely empty expression. "What are you doing here?"

"Adern made me come here."

With void eyes, he looked to his cat who was trying to find a comfortable spot on his body. Haruhito seemed to sigh quietly. _Are you alright, Human? I brought the Human you like_ , Adern thought.

"That sounds like something he'd do…" Haruhito muttered. "But yeah, I'm alright. You can leave. Live your life. Whatever."

"Ehm… No, I'm not? You—you need…" Medical attention, but the last time he touched the topic Haruhito had found himself in the beginning on an anxiety attack. "What… what is even going on? You're not sick, and…"

Haruhito eyed the Mongolian prince. His expression was still confusingly void of anything. Gone was the fear of the attack minutes ago, but there wasn't relief or anger or happiness. He almost looked robotic.

"It's a long, personal story," Haruhito replied with a calm voice.

"I have time…?" Jinhai shrugged. "I mean, I don't want to dig but I want to help you—I care for you, Haruhito."

The New Asian prince clenched his fist. "Yeah, sure you do…" he muttered sarcastically.

"I'm serious, Haruhito. I don't want you to be hurt. You can talk to me—I won't tell anyone."

"Anyone but the family of my country's enemy?" he snapped back.

Telling his father probably wasn't a good idea. His mother might be able to give him help on how to handle the situation, but both his parents cared too much for their country that they wouldn't exploit such a weakness. Theoretically, one of the reasons why Jinhai volunteered to go was to get information on New Asia…

But no. That was wrong. Haruhito was a friend—a good friend. He couldn't tell his brother either—maybe Lihau, his sister but both of them would probably side with their country in a war that really just needed to end…

"I wouldn't, I promise."

"That's what my sister said too," Haruhito huffed, looking down to Adern. "Guess where I ended up."

"… Where?"

Haruhito hadn't expected that question, evident by the surprise in his voice. "Mental health unit of the Central Tokyo Hospital. The first of many times that my father would lock me up somewhere somehow."

"Lock you up?" Jinhai repeated. "Like… how?"

"Either by admitting me to the hospital, again," Haruhito sounded bitter at the memory, "or just by locking me up in my room after making sure there's no sharps."

"Sharps?"

"Anything that can be used to harm myself," Haruhito explained, "or others."

Jinhai glanced down to the pocket knife that was still lying nearby him. Haruhito's blood was drying on it, but on his arm, it was still scarlet red. Harming others? What?

"It's not much fun," Haruhito muttered.

The knife or the hospital? Neither sounded very 'fun'. Awkwardly, Jinhai looked back to Haruhito's empty expression. What could he say? Maybe take the knife away, but would that be such a good idea, when Haruhito just said something about hurting others?

"Before you ask," Haruhito sighed. He probably didn't like the topic, "I have depression. Like, the actual illness, not the 'I feel so depressed' internet comment."

"… Oh." That seemed realistic.

"Which means, before you come up with anything, that I just got some… periods of being even more useless than usual. I just…" Haruhito sighed. "I don't need anything. There's just emptiness. Whatever. Don't worry."

"That's fine," Jinhai assured. "I mean, it's not fine that you feel like that but it's… valid?"

"Hm."

"… What's with the pills at the door?" Jinhai pressed, worried.

"Antidepressants, mainly. Why do you ask?"

He shook his head. "Just worried."

"I'm fine. Just—don't waste your time on me. It's not worth it."

"I don't think so."

"Well, sad life."

"Uh…"

"Spoiler, it's seriously not worth it."

"Is there anything I can do for you?"

Haruhito didn't answer. At first, Jinhai concluded that he didn't care, but then he realised that in Haruhito's expression was more confusion than anything else. He didn't know how to answer.

"I'm here if you need me. Adern seems to want me here."

Haruhito chuckled. "Maybe he just knows me too well… forget it."

Jinhai didn't want to forget. Instead, he took a seat at the edge of the bed, pulling the knife closer as he did. Haruhito didn't complain—good. He was just petting his cat.

"Have you eaten? You weren't at any meals…"

"… A bit."

"Which means?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary."

" _Haruhito, did you eat_?"

The New Asian just looked down in guilt. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise," Jinhai insisted. "You need to eat though."

"I will… later."

"I could recommend milk?"

"What are you?" Haruhito gave him a heartless laugh. "A cat?"

"Maybe?" The answer came a bit too soon. "Don't you like cats?"

Wrong answer, Jinhai thought, but he couldn't help himself. He was going into an absolutely wrong direction. Haruhito was probably not completely sound right now, and he shouldn't start flirting. Plus, they were in a freaking Selection!

"I do," Haruhito admitted with an almost-smile. "I do…"

Jinhai smiled. "There we go. Some milk. What else do you want?" He didn't know enough New Asian cuisine to offer anything Haruhito would like. "I might have some macrons left…"

He had never seen Haruhito take one though. It was the same with the chocolate though.

"I don't like sweet stuff," Haruhito admitted. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologise!"

"A sandwich?"

Jinhai smiled. "Wait here, don't move."

Haruhito gave him a lethargic, faked smile. "I wasn't planning to."

While keeping the knife (and wondering about other possible 'sharps' in the room), Jinhai swiftly went and asked for said food to keep his friend going. He convinced the guards that Haruhito was fine with him staying too—fortunately—and soon returned with a food tray.

Jinhai watched as Haruhito quietly and slowly ate, before handing the empty trail back. He wasn't going to contribute to the rubbish pile. When he returned, he noticed the time. Even though it wasn't _as_ late, he concluded that it probably was a good idea for Haruhito to sleep.

"You should sleep," he pointed out.

"Hm."

"What? Do you want me to sing a lullaby?" Jinhai sat down next to Haruhito onto the bed, although Haruhito now was under covers, with Adern on the other side. Now, he seemed content with Jinhai. Good—he had won the approval of the cat!

"No, thanks," Haruhito muttered. "But… could you…"

"Hm? What can I do?"

"Forget it."

"No. You tell me."

"…Ugh." Haruhito sighed. "Could you stay?"

Heat flushed Jinhai's cheeks. "Stay?" he repeated.

"It's been a while since I met a person who I got along with while being in a down," Haruhito admitted while looking away to his cat. Jinhai didn't know that he wasn't the first in a while but the first in ever, besides the cat.

"Oh." Jinhai blinked. "Sure, then."

Even though he promised that, Haruhito didn't fall asleep anytime soon. His head soon fell on Jinhai's shoulder (who also got himself comfortable), but he didn't fall asleep. It was Jinhai who soon drifted off, and was only woken by the meowing of Adern.

Haruhito was gone.

"Hey, Haruhito?" Jinhai, slightly sleepy, asked.

There was light still coming from the sitting room, and the swiss pocket knife reminded Jinhai of the untreated wounds on Haruhito's arm. He'd need to get him to see a doctor. Jinhai rose and stepped into the sitting room, just to find the other prince standing there, with one of the pill bottles and a glass of water.

"What's that?" he asked, completely forgetting the question from before. Plus, what if antidepressants weren't the only thing?

"This is a glass of water," Haruhito replied, lethargic.

"No, the pills," Jinhai replied protectively.

"Sleep pills." Haruhito placed the glass back, and threw the bottle to Jinhai.

"I can't read this," he reminded him.

Haruhito shrugged. "Well, they're pretty common. Insomnia isn't a fun thing either. I should be sound asleep in forty-five minutes or so. What woke you up?"

"The cat."

Haruhito chuckled. "Oh, yeah, he doesn't like sharing me, I guess."

Without Jinhai even needing to prompt him, Haruhito slipped back into the large bed, and glared at the Mongolian. It didn't take Jinhai long to realise that Haruhito had decided that just like Adern, he was now keeping him company.


	2. Part 2 (Haruhito)

**TRIGGER WARNING: DRUG ABUSE, SELF-HARM, PARENTAL NEGLECT, SUICIDE, CUTTING**

 **Tales of "I'm sorry" and "I'm fine" II**

 **Prince Haruhito of Mikasa from New Asia**

Haruhito woke up slightly different than he had fallen asleep.

Different in two ways—first of all, he felt different than yesterday (which wasn't essentially a good thing) and with his head dumped onto Jinhai's chest. When he opened his eyes, he wasn't completely sure whenever Jinhai was asleep or not.

He didn't want to wake him up. He already caused him enough problems.

Problems not only for the Mongolian, but for everyone in general. The whole drama around Princess Emilia probably was going to be a problem for him back at home, and then the news about the drones at the Mongolian-New Asian border…

He had seen the expression in some suitor's faces when he had entered the room after the broadcast, clueless. They hadn't said anything, but he had felt it. The disgust, the hatred and the blame. Haruhito couldn't blame them. Even though he supported his father's motives, he didn't support his actions—the robots would help them advance a lot against the Mongolians and their strong civil support…

Haruhito bit on his lip.

Whatever. He wasn't going to suddenly find a way to end the war, so _why bother_?

Maybe because the guilt kept coming back to his mind. Maybe because the fact that he was wasting the Mongolian prince's—out of all people in the palace!—time right now. He didn't deserve Jinhai's help. Why had he even come? Why had Adern gotten him?

Haruhito didn't deserve the cat's help either.

Adern would probably be perfectly fine if he was with Riko, or even if he could stay with anyone of the suitors… The Indian prince had a cat too, didn't he? The German earl too…

But if he went through with the idea that was forming in his mind, he wouldn't just cause problems for his family, but also for the Illéans. It could change the war. If his father blamed Illéa, then they would probably be forced to join the Mongolians. If he didn't, then Illéa could blame him and New Asia for giving them an essential time bomb.

Plus, slitting his wrists wasn't a way that'd guarantee death. He had researched that ages ago. He didn't have access to any useable drugs here, and asking for them would look suspicious. More war-effort suspicious than suicide-suspicious, probably, but it'd end in the same situation.

He couldn't just go to the Royal Guard and ask for a gun, couldn't he? It was the same thing. If he went to a shooting range or similar, then it'd be out-of-character (the only guns he ever touched were laser tag guns) and there probably were some ways to stop that from happening too…

Damn humanity.

Don't make it so difficult to kill yourself.

Really though… Was it just the success rate that stopped Haruhito from looking for the knife or getting another one and killing himself? That, and he didn't want to traumatise Jinhai, probably. Of course, the consequences with the whole war stuff…

Ending one life could end so many others, huh?

Maybe he could make it look like an accident, but that meant _work_. If _he_ was planning to die, why did _he_ care about the afterwards part? Did he want to pretend to be selfless and good so badly? Was he just wanting the attention of dying, considering how much he thought about it? Probably.

Stupid, he thought. Stupid Haruhito.

He stared to the ceiling. His heart was racing. Why did he care about what happened afterwards? Couldn't he be selfish and finally end it? He had been dodging this for forever. What was going to happen that he cared about, and what wasn't going to happen either way?

Nothing, really.

Haruhito's mind went blank. Maybe it was good that he didn't know where the knife was, because it meant that he probably would gain Jinhai's attention before he could do anything fatal, but then again… for Haruhito, it was bad as well.

He needed it. Cutting was a coping method, and he wasn't coping right now.

He couldn't wake Jinhai up, to demand the knife back. If he moved, he'd probably wake up too. He couldn't do that—not after forcing the Mongolian to stay here already… Why couldn't Jinhai be aggressive towards him and just kill his enemy? That'd make Haruhito's life so much easier. Well, and over. Haruhito closed his eyes, knowing that he wouldn't fall asleep again.

When the sun began leaking through the little space between the curtains, Haruhito glanced up to the Mongolian's face. His eyes were closed. Probably good, Haruhito concluded. Jinhai probably was asleep. Haruhito turned to Adern who was napping besides him. Something in him wanted to be angry—at himself, at his depression and at Jinhai for wasting his time on him, and making him speak about the one thing he wanted no one to know—but he couldn't.

As usual, there was just void. That was better than what had been before, wasn't it? Not essentially.

He dropped his head onto the pillow. If he could just enjoy the luxury, he had been giving... He couldn't, evidently. Just as usual. Selfish. He turned around, back to the sleeping Jinhai. What was he even trying to do? Sleep? He wasn't going to.

" _I probably should get up_ ," he thought. " _But nah._ "

He couldn't be bothered to move. Moving meant that he had to do something. He didn't have the energy to move. He didn't even have the energy for that feeling. Frustrated, Haruhito sighed. Seconds later, the frustration was gone.

" _Damn void._ " He sat up restless, glancing over the bed. He should have made sure to put the pocket knife somewhere where he could find it again. Then again, Jinhai had kinda' interrupted him in his misery. Of course, being as ungrateful as he was, he hadn't come to think to thank him for spending time with him.

Haruhito still didn't know why Jinhai's presence was endurable. That lack of knowledge? It bothered him. He didn't know that that was even possible anymore.

The knife was nowhere to be seen—Jinhai really had taken it, huh? He looked to the sleeping prince, considering his options. Wake him up and demand it back? Jinhai wasn't going to hand it back that easily. He probably shouldn't cut either way, but then again, _why not_? It wasn't killing anyone and made him feel _something_...

The other option, besides doing nothing, was to try and find the knife without waking Jinhai which sounded like the easier option. Haruhito scrutinized Jinhai. Where could it be? In the pocket of his clothes? That was the most likely answer. Maybe he had placed it aside?

" _Oh, screw it. This is too much._ " He couldn't be bothered to deal with it.

He dropped back onto the bed—the impact waking up Adern—and closed his eyes. Back to doing nothing.

"Are you alright?" Jinhai asked.

So he _was_ awake.

"I'm fine." Pause. "Give me my stuff back." He probably should be politer considering _what_ Jinhai knew now, but he couldn't be bothered. And if everyone learned of it? Lots of cascading drama he didn't have the energy for. His dad would probably just put him back into the mental health unit. Again.

"What stuff?"

Haruhito groaned. "My knife. Give it back."

"You'll hurt yourself again."

"Bingo." Haruhito replied drily. How did the psychiatrist call it again? Coping method. "Don't take my coping method away, Jinhai."

That silenced him—much to Haruhito's surprise and guilt. Where was the responding "No." he expected? Why was he even still here, and not out, telling the Illéans or the Mongolians about his non-existent mental health? Why waste time?

"I'm sorry," Jinhai spoke quietly. He shook his head. "I can't. I can't see you hurting yourself."

Something in Haruhito wanted to shout at him for giving him a glimmer of hope in a night of despair. _We're enemies_ , he reminded himself again. Jinhai was such a nice person to be around, but they were enemies—his father had invaded Jinhai's home! They were rivals in the Selection, enemies on the battlefield, and strangers in anything else.

There was no damn way for Jinhai to like Haruhito too.

"Give it back," Haruhito repeated.

He only gained a worried headshake. "I can't let you hurt yourself," Jinhai repeated, maybe even to convince himself. Jinhai pulled Haruhito towards himself, suddenly.

"Wha—?"

He wasn't just pulling him _towards_ him, he pulled him into a hug. A real hug, like, an embrace. It had been a while since he got that, Haruhito noted. Wasn't this meant to make people happy? Yeah, it did.

Damn depression.

Either way, even if he didn't feel anything, he didn't move. This was, objectively, comfortable. Jinhai was strong, unlike Haruhito's, but yet comfortable enough to act as a pillow. Haruhito wanted to not enjoy it, but he couldn't get himself not to. _Jinhai doesn't like you, Jinhai doesn't like you._

"Do the Schreaves know…?" Jinhai asked quietly.

"… No, they don't."

"Who does?"

"My parents, older sister, aunt… Maybe my uncle and brother do, but I'm not sure. My psychiatrist does too. That was the doctor."

"That sickness is made up?"

"You can't catch depression," Haruhito assured him lethargic. "Be happy."

"But you told everyone that? What happened with your room?" Jinhai worried.

He was questioning—yes, Haruhito noticed that—but he couldn't deny that Jinhai sounded more like he was genuinely worried than anything else. Haruhito gave in to the worries. Why care? It was too much of a waste of energy.

"I don't like people messing with my stuff, so I told them not to touch it," Haruhito replied. "It's the same at home—our penthouse doesn't have that much staff either way; just cleaners and all."

"Penthouse?"

"Unlike round about the rest here, I live in a building that isn't five hundred years old. It's really good for heating and tech if you don't have thousand years old walls around you…" Right. Mongolia and technology weren't a thing. "Sorry to break it to you. Plus, the Illéans might find some TU notes, and I doubt that it's a good thing."

"TU?"

"Tales Untold."

Jinhai rose an eyebrow. "… Lihau is a fan of the books."

"I know, you mentioned it." And he briefly considered telling his dad, in the hope of changing the Prince Mikasa's option on his books, but screwed the idea because it meant just as much trouble as it might helped.

"So, you're a fan as well?"

If he already told Jinhai all his secrets… Screw the spoilers. Where was Millie listening? Hey! That might get him out of here and away from Jinhai and that unrequited crush he had to have, obviously. Life wasn't a goddamn YA novel—why did he need to fall in love with the enemy?

"No," Haruhito replied.

"Oh. Why do you have Tales Untold notes the—"

"I'm the author. I wrote that piece of crap."

"Wait, what?"

"Adriel W. L'Alfayage is an alias, obviously," Haruhito spoke. "That's me. Spoiler. It's also Adern's actual name, so theoretically, I'm Adern. The character, not the cat. Whatever. Complicated. Doesn't matter. I'd be a good cat."

"So, you like milk too?" Jinhai asked.

"… What?" Haruhito blinked. "I do but…?"

"Don't move," Jinhai ordered.

"I still wasn't planning to…?"

Jinhai left him one more time, leading to Haruhito looking through the sheets to find the knife. He gave up half way though—too much work—but with the slight idea that Jinhai might had taken the knife with him. That sounded like a thing he'd do.

"Hey, Adern?" Haruhito muttered to the cat who looked at him. Now that Jinhai was gone, the ginger moved towards Haruhito and began rubbing against his arm, walking over his back and apparently deciding that Haruhito seriously wasn't going to move—not with the cat on him.

It was comfy though, Haruhito though.

He spent the time that Jinhai was away with glaring at the wall, and listening to Adern's quiet breathing. It wasn't a foreign moment to him, but the more he thought about this all, the more he ended up back thinking about why he didn't kill himself.

Why didn't he?

"I'm back," Jinhai announced a tad too cheerful.

"Hm." Haruhito couldn't be bothered to move up his head.

"I also got breakfast."

"Hm."

"You need to eat."

And there he was again, causing people trouble. Haruhito wasn't hungry. Not at all. He couldn't be bothered to even open his mouth to say something; how did Jinhai expect that he was going to eat something? He was wasting the food either way. There were so many people who probably needed the food more than he did.

"Haruhito?"

Jinhai alone probably could use it, but that might were New Asian misconceptions of Mongolia.

"Hey, are you there?"

 _Breathe in_ , Haruhito told himself, _and say something_. Instead, he breathed out. _Okay, again_. He breathed out again. How difficult was it to speak? What did he even want to say?

"Spoiler," he muttered, having already forgotten the question.

Jinhai sat down next to him, and dropped something that from the edge of his vision looked like a breakfast trail. So, they were missing two royals this morning? Sad life. They'd cope, somehow. Whatever. He didn't care.

"What's up?" Jinhai asked. "I mean… I don't know… What are you thinking?"

Could he tell him? He shouldn't just go and grab Jinhai's attention, shouldn't he? It was wrong to be attention-grabbing, lazy and in the way of everyone. _Fit into the line, be who you are expected to be_.

"I'm fine," he managed to say.

"Are you sure?"

No, he wasn't. Even Haruhito knew that. He felt his heart feel as heavy as a stone, and more things that he couldn't explain. If he was to write it, he'd probably describe it as black flames burning around it. It wasn't pain, but it wasn't feeling good either. Now he knew that it was anxiety, but did that help?

No, not really.

"No," Haruhito replied. Was he surprised? Not really. He knew how he felt about the sweet, soft and caring Jinhai. He knew that he admired and adored how he got along with every single of the suitors, how he cared for all them, and how he knew that he didn't deserve his help. He knew that Jinhai probably only did this with him because he did it for everyone.

Jinhai was too pure to have ulterior motives, but that didn't make the heartache that the knowledge that he felt the same about everyone else different. He had to stop dreaming about that being different, Haruhito knew.

"What are you thinking?"

"Spoiler."

"Haruhito…"

"You don't want to know it."

"I wouldn't be asking if I didn't care."

Haruhito sighed. As if on cue, Adern rose and jumped down from the New Asian's back. Using the opportunity, he sat up. He looked at Jinhai, questioning whenever he should tell him or not. He didn't want to burden him with it, but let alone knowing that as of now, Jinhai wanted to know…

It helped.

"I…" Haruhito broke off. How did he explain that? Saying 'I want to kill myself again' didn't convey how he felt. It had wrong connotations. This wasn't the word choice he needed. He needed Jinhai to understand that this wasn't uncommon, and until now, he hadn't ever come close enough to needing medical attention physically…

"This isn't… it's not… It's nothing special."

"If it's bothering you, it's worth to talk about," Jinhai replied diplomatic.

Haruhito wanted to laugh out sarcastic. "It's… I guess… it's just me…" Why couldn't he just admit that he wanted attention _again_? That would make life so much easier. Was he too proud? Was it his honour? Did he even have such a thing? Probably not, to be honest.

"Yes?"

"It's just… me…" _Say it, Haruhito. It's not that difficult._ "It's just me wanting attention," he pressed out.

"What type of attention?"

… Wait what? What type of attention? Were there different types? What?

"What…?" Haruhito asked.

"What type of attention?" Jinhai replied, genuinely worried.

"… I don't know?" Haruhito blinked. This conversation had never taken this turn, not with his aunt, parents or sister. "Are there different types of attention?"

Evidently, both were confused together. "Uh… What makes you want attention?"

"I don't want it, but me talking about it is probably some… form of wanting attention? I don't know?"

"What do you mean?"

"I've been thinking of killing myself, again."

Jinhai didn't respond immediately. Haruhito's face was, once again, void of expressions, but he could see the shock in Jinhai's eyes. He could see the sadness slowly forming his expression, and see him open his mouth just to close it again.

 _Congratulations, you managed to destroy his day before it even really started._

Why in the world had he even asked Jinhai to stay? He should have known that he was just going to cause Jinhai trouble. It wasn't fair of him to put his worried onto his shoulders. It was wrong.

"Okay…" Jinhai spoke. It seemed more to calm himself down than to convey anything to Haruhito. "Okay." He slowly nodded.

"… Yeah." Haruhito looked down. What was he meant to say now? Jinhai knew what he wanted to know so badly—he could leave now and forget it. Live his life, whatever. Not be bothered by Haruhito's failing mental health and all. Maybe he could tell him that he wanted, or needed, to be alone? The heaviness of his heart returned. He didn't want Jinhai to leave. He was a too comforting presence to have around…

"Thanks for telling me," Jinhai eventually said. "What… what happened?"

"I…" He didn't even know. He wasn't very good at remembering details. "I'm… the ordinary, really… Don't worry about it."

"I do worry, Haruhito."

 _Great_ , Haruhito thought. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Jinhai insisted. "It's fine, really. What… what did you think?"

Should he be honest? It'd probably just end up triggering or traumatising Jinhai, Haruhito believed. There was no need for him to put such a burden on his shoulders. Instead, he should try and figure something to distract him, change the topic or so.

"You probably don't wanna know," he muttered.

"I do," Jinhai insisted. "If you're fine with sharing, I mean."

"… I can't cut open my wrists because you have my knife and it's not a method with a high mortality rate either way. It'd cause most problems, and most explanations, alongside things I don't want to go through again," he began.

He didn't want to look into Jinhai's face—he could imagine the pain in it either way. He had watched him talk to the others, smile, laugh or be sad often enough. He knew how he looked knew his beautiful smile, sweet eyes and…

"I don't have any drugs here. My sleep pills aren't strong enough, otherwise I wouldn't have gotten them," Haruhito continued though. Jinhai could always decide to leave, couldn't he? "I can't go and ask for others, because I don't know Illéan drug laws and it would probably cause suspicion.

"Hmhm," Jinhai muttered. He nodded.

"I can't go and get a gun from the Royal Guard for exactly the same reason, and trying to get a gun from a shooting range. Same thing. It'll cause suspicion."

"But why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why do you want to… want to die?"

"… Uh…" Haruhito flushed. This was embarrassing. How could he make himself vulnerable and tell Jinhai—the enemy, his father would remind him—his innermost thoughts? "I…"

Haruhito took a deep breath to calm his rapid beating heart. It didn't help. He fell back, nearly crashing Adern. Haruhito shrieked when he saw the cat dodge in the last second. There he was, nearly hurting his best friend. He didn't deserve Adern. He pressed his eyes close.

"I am… I'm just…" His voice cracked.

The first of many tears left his eye without him noticing. What he noticed was the gentle stroking through his hair of Jinhai's hand. Careful—almost afraid—Haruhito opened his eyes. Jinhai wasn't looking at him but at Adern who was trying to get between them. Jealous kitten, huh…

He couldn't just say "Don't worry, Adern, I can consider myself lucky if I'm in the friendzone", couldn't he?

"Yes?" Jinhai looked to him, still worried. "Oh." He noticed his hand. "I'm sorry."

"It's… it's fine," Haruhito muttered. He continued, much to Haruhito's delight.

"Go on," he whispered.

"I…" Another tear, his voice gave up. Between crying, sobbing, breathing and just not knowing what to say, the next words took him what felt like forever. "I'm just causing trouble for anyone and now I am wasting your time and I just don't want to anymore and I can't and… I don't know," he sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't…"

He could hear the cluelessness in Jinhai's voice. "It's fine… I… It's fine, just talk and… don't…" He couldn't even say 'kill yourself'; his voice trembled in fear. _Damn it_ , Haruhito thought. _Typical him_. _Causing troubles like always_.

Haruhito wanted to sit up, let alone because he just didn't stop crying, but he couldn't. He didn't want to risk Jinhai to stop and never start again. Now that he looked back on it, what he thought just a bit before sounded so stupid and senseless… Like everything he did. Had he even been close to doing something, or was it just the want for attention again?

He certainly got the latter.

"I'm sorry," he muttered again.

"It's fine," Jinhai replied worried. "Are you… okay?" He leaned his head back. "Gosh, that sounds so stupid. Of course, you aren't."

"I'm fine," Haruhito immediately insisted. It was a reflex by now. "Don't worry about me."

"But I care about you, you know, and—" Jinhai broke off.

 _Go on_ , a voice in Haruhito's head wanted to shout. _Go on. Say something. Say that you care about me more than you care about others. Tell me. Say what I want—need—to hear._

"I…" Jinhai shook his head. He pulled his hand back, giving Haruhito just another moment of headache and sadness.

Slowly, the New Asian sat up. He had stopped crying—mostly—but his cheeks were still wet. He looked at Jinhai, only now noticing that he was trembling. He was afraid, wasn't he? Of Jinhai judging him, and Jinhai hating him.

He wanted to be in his arms one more time, but could he ask for that? It'd look gay, and what if Jinhai interpreted it as such? What if he was disgusted by it? A cold shiver went down Haruhito's spine.

"Hey… are you…" Jinhai broke off, his hand having already gone to Haruhito's shoulder.

"I'm sorry…" he muttered again and again.

"It's fine," Jinhai assured him again, even though he couldn't believe these words. Jinhai shook his head. "Come here," he added, and did exactly what Haruhito just had been thinking about. He pulled him into a soft, warm embrace.

"Thanks for letting me stay," Jinhai whispered in his ear. Did he feel the same as Haruhito did? Could it be possible, or was that just him being the sweet friend he always was? Something in Haruhito's thoughts screamed yes, but another voice insisted that it wasn't true. He didn't get that luck—he never did. He didn't deserve him either—someone nice, friendly, caring deserved to be by his side. Someone who could care about him as well, and not someone who would waste all of Jinhai's time with crying, hating himself and being at the edge of ending it all, but too afraid to do anything.

And yet, Haruhito hoped.

In the end, both of them refrained of saying the one more thing that they just couldn't say out loud. Not as long as they didn't know the other felt the same, and not as long as their countries were at war.

"I'm sorry…" he muttered.

"It's fine."


End file.
